It pains me sometimes to think that the story I have to relate to the reader will not be believed. Indeed, it is so abnormal and strange that I know the reaction of many will be immediate disbelief. Yet the world is a strange place, and one must be accustomed to protegees and comfortable with the unexplainable. In that spirit, I ask the reader to suspend disbelief for a moment to give my story a fair hearing. I guess its best to lead off with the incredible element to get it over with … The truth is … fairies are real, and one of the most distinguished fairies happens to be a friend of mine. His name is Dr. Fairy. Dr. Fairy is more dignified than the other fairies thanks in part to his great learning and in part to his association with humans. He walks around with his hands in his pockets and whistles to himself. He, what is almost unique among fairies, often refrains from pulling pranks. Indeed, in the many years I have known him, he has only pulled a handful of pranks and only at the most excusable times. Out of deference to my old friend I can’t tell you how I met Dr. Fairy suffice it to say that it involved quite an unfortunate incident involving a cat (the ancient archenemy of fairies), a flying broom, and several bewildered policemen.
Often Dr. Fairy comes to me when I am sad and cheers me up with stories of his people’s customs. Like all fairies he loves talking about his home to anyone who would listen. Dr. Fairy himself studied bubbles… a very active area of research in fairyland … his thesis on “How to Extend the Lifetime of Bubbles” revolutionized the bubbles industry and made Dr. Fairy an overnight celebrity. His defense, which I wish I attended, included a 5-minute presentation during which all the fairies in attendance slept and a most exciting live demonstration of Dr. Fairy’s research which caused quite a stampede.
From Dr. Fairy’s stories, it seems that fairy land is a very upside-down sort of place. Fairies superficially seem to have many of the same things that we have in the human world, but all for the wrong reasons. For example, Fairyland has a train station … only, the fairies use the train not for transportation but solely for entertainment. There is only a single train station in fairyland and, every day, countless fairies pack into the train station and wildly cheer every time the train comes by. They take turns riding the train in a transport of delight, sing special train songs (One of which is an adaptation of our “wheels of the bus” nursery song but more train appropriate), and wave vigorously at their friends at the station every time they pass by. One of the most coveted positions in fairyland is that of the train conductor. The fairies take turns conducting the train for a day and virtually all fairies have their “conductor day” circled vigorously on their calendars. I should mention that fairies all have calendars but almost none of them check their calendars which leads to quite a bit of confusion.
Another custom in fairyland is to begin each day by chasing your neighbors around. Dr. Fairy, who is a bit of an amateur historian, believes that the fairies first learned this custom from the squirrels. Every morning, fairies all wake up at the same time, jump out of bed, and dart after the first neighbor they see. This generally continues on till the entire neighborhood is completely exhausted and collapsed on the floor in suppressed giggles. They then return back to their homes … this custom Dr. Fairy says has all the benefits of exercise but is incomparably more exciting. Not to mention that for the rest of the day, each fairy appreciates his house all the more because he spent the first hours of the day chasing invaders away.
Fairies also have money, but again they use their money very differently from us. Firstly, in fairy money, coins are worth more than paper money because as Dr. Fairy says “its prettier”. Secondly, whereas we use money to buy things, fairies trade things for money. They love looking at the pretty coins and playing with them, and most fairies you meet will have their pockets stuffed with coins. Also, the coins have the individual faces of the different fairies, and I have seen even elderly, respectable fairies swoon with delight when they get a coin with their faces on it.
Whereas humans use lightbulbs to light their houses, fairies can be said to use their houses to keep their lightbulbs. It is not uncommon when fairies go to visit each other (which is quite common), after exchanging pleasantries, for the host fairy to ask the guest fairy if they would like to adjourn to the livingroom to watch their lightbulbs, the other fairy suppressing his joy so as to not appear over eager, politely consents, and the remainder of the evening is spent watching the collection of artificial lights in wonder. In fact, I was told that some fairies succeeded in getting some SMART lightbulbs from the human world which can change color. This, as can be imagined, caused quite a sensation in fairyland. I believe this day is still kept as a national holiday. This holiday is commemorated by the following unique custom … in the morning all the fairies wake up and after the morning chase they run out into the woods looking for anything colorful to take back to their abodes. Since this festival occurs in the fall, this generally involves stuffing their houses with as many fall leaves as their little hands can carry. When nighttime comes, the SMART lights are changed from Green, to Red, to Yellow, and all the fairies frantically run around decorating their houses and their streets with the appropriately colored leaves.
Fairies also have absolutely no concept of personal space. They love to cuddle up to each other and especially to humans and it is not uncommon to have fairies cuddle up to you right after introducing themselves. Fairies also love to be patted on the head, and they considered it rude not to pat someone shorter than you on the head when you meet them. They also love to be tickled though that generally requires at least a few minutes acquaintance.
Now you may think that the fairies are only ever happy, but that is certainly not true. Fairies have sadness in their life too. They hate leaving each other and every time Dr. Fairy leaves Fairyland the entire town comes out and lines up for hours to say their goodbyes, all with tears in their eyes. It is customary during these goodbyes to give and take a keepsake and say, while you give something of yours, “hold this for me till we meet again.” Though inconvenient, Dr. Fairy assures me that this custom is necessary otherwise the fairies would become quite inconsolable with grief. This keepsake they keep in the favorite place in their house (usually next to the lightbulbs) and think of you every day you are gone. Dr. Fairy, since he has no permanent home in the human world, often leaves these keepsakes with me, so that half my house right now are items from fairyland (including enough lightbulbs to light up the whole neighborhood).
Fairies also sadly die. Though their lives are much longer than ours. Unlike with any other topic, where they are super talkative and love to share, they don’t talk about death because whenever the topic is brought up, they sob too much to talk. When someone dies in fairyland all the fairies come home and they all gather, and they cry with such sadness and such pain that it breaks your heart. They sing sad and ancient songs all night long around the house of their departed friend, then in the morning they go up to the mountains close to the sky and there they bury them. But before they bury them, they leave their favorite coin with their friend and whisper in their ear to keep it for them till they meet again above the stars. Then they all come down from the mountain wearing white and singing beautiful songs. For many days afterwards they grieve, but when they grieve, they look up at the stars and say, “We miss you already old friend”, and after grieving with the family of the dead for many days, they gently try to cheer them up and make them smile.
I have to say that often when Dr. Fairy tells me his stories, I feel homesick for fairyland, but Dr. Fairy assures me that the human world has even more interesting things than fairyland and that he has just as much fun here as he does at home. In fact, last week, Dr. Fairy, was reduced to a most undignified squeal of pleasure when he saw my bathroom mirror. Knowing of the bashfulness of fairies, I knew that he wanted to ask me for it but was too courteous to do so, so I offered it to him which caused him to cry quite a lot (fairies are very sentimental and sob every time you do something nice for them). Well, Dr. Fairy carried off my mirror and from his last letter, it seems my mirror has caused quite a stir in fairyland.